Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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