needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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