Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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