Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
