I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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