glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
