Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
