im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
