Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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