i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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