he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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