also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You made out with two different species that night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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