My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
