you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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