just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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