You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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