I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
