Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
