Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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