I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Dicks are not precious.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
