Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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