it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
