ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wish my penis had a tongue
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
