Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
