You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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