Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
