I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
