I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
