i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I faked an abortion last night.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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