Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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