he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
