proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Randomize
