We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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