He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
