so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
