we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
