Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
