Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
