We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
