I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
