I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
