I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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