the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
