I faked an abortion last night.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
