$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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