let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
