____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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