Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Did you just see the Batmobile???
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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