she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Please don't give away my fajitas
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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