Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
