Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
