Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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