forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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